The Dos and Don'ts of Monologues

There are many choices you will have to make when you interview for a new job. Should I wear a suit or something more informal? How many copies of my resume should I bring? How early should I leave to arrive on time?

You would only ask which monologue to bring if you were auditioning for a play. Why, oh why then, did the person I interviewed today bring on the monologue? He talked for twenty-five consecutive minutes in answer to a question that require little more then yes or no. Due to this enchanting behavior, none of the people interviewing this gentleman decided in his favor and that's putting the matter lightly.

So here are the dos and don'ts of monolgues from someone known to produce them herself:

DO share a funny story, amusing anecdote with friends and familiar colleagues.

DO NOT ever use the phrase 'You'll find this really interesting...' If you have to tell your audience it's interesting, then it's probably not.

DO be self-effacing (not self-abusing) and offer gentle morals along with your story.

DO NOT ever use the phrase 'God-give ability' when referring to yourself in an interview.

DO pay attention to things like people's eyelids and hand gestures. Most people are too polite for their own good and won't out right tell you that they would stab themselves repeatedly in the face if it would make you shut up.

DO NOT recount stories about your cat/dog/ferret/goldfish unless specifically asked to do so. Same goes for babies actually though they get a slight bit more leeway as they will one day be actual people.

DO respond when people ask you something even if interrupts your totally awesome story of amazingness.

And please, please, please keep a mental clock. Ask yourself, have I been talking for more then fifteen minutes straight without anyone interjecting? Unless you are teaching a class, talking to your dog/cat/ferret/goldfish or giving your complete medical history to a particularly compassionate nurse, stop. Take a breath and let someone else interject. I assure you by that time they will find something to say.

I'm sure you are a fascinating person, but the world is a busy place and we don't all got the time for fascinating.


Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

Modern American Courtesans

This week I read Sex and the King which was a gossipy, jumbled book dealing with king's mistresses and watched Dangerous Beauty, a great movie about a courtesan. Both the book and the movie suggested to one extent or another that these positions were so important because there was very little other choice of employment for women in those bygone years.

And I thought, surely in these days of enlightened feminism and such, courtesans no longer exist though their seedier partners still stalk the streets. If you're rich and unhappily married one has so many other choices that they certainly wouldn't have to hook up with a prostitute. That's what gold diggers are for, surely?

As I was musing on this, I turned on E! to discover Girls Next Door playing. There they were the modern American courtesans. The concept behind this show for those not familiar is to follow three of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends through their charmed, glamorous lives. Just like mistresses and courtsans of old, they are lavished with expensive gifts solely for existing. They are installed in a large manor house and expected to always be pretty and perky. The three girls are never shown with a hair out of place and when one of them says something unintelligent, only the show's editor seems to notice or care.

I applaud these three girls. While I consider myself a feminist and applaud women succeeding in the workplace, there are always going to be those who don't fit in. These women took their best assets and gained the highest position for their kind. Hugh's girlfriends are well taken care of and will most likely enjoy the benefits long after their looks have faded. Positions will be found for them when they are no longer quite perky enough and they will continue on.

Some of the kings' mistresses didn't have it nearly as good.


Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

I toooooold you so!

All right, the Book has been read, the thoughts have been tumbled and I'm ready to fulfill my promise to you all. WARNING: This post contains spoilers for the new Harry Potter book. If you do not want to know what happens go here and I would also recommend stuffing cotton in your ears.

That being said, onto the predictions:

1. Harry will not die. I would love if he did and if J.K. does kill him I will applaud her forever. It would certainly save her a lot of annoying fans begging for another books. I doubt that the publishing industry will allow it though as they would prefer for Harry to live on so they can market endless books about him ala Star Wars.

Correct! He lives though she does toy with killing him. It had a very Alcott-esque feeling actually. You know, how at the end of Jo's Boys she actually puts in how she wants to have all the characters swallowed whole by an earthquake just to guarantee they can never plague her again? It read a bit like that.



2. Snape will be vindicated. I base this on the fact that he has been vindicated every other time. In every single book Harry thinks he's the bad guy until lo it is proven that the evil professor was once again saving his bacon.

Right again. It comes out that Snape helped Harry because he had been in love with Lily his whole life. Duh. J.K. reads fanfic.

3. Snape will die. His sin of killing Dumbledore will not be allowed to pass even if he did it to
save everything ever.

Yep, he dies. Dies horribly right on the brink of saving everything ever. I miss him already.

4. Ron and Hermione will kiss, possibly many times, against all the laws of attraction ever. I love Ron. Hermione, despite frequent reminders that I am like her in so many ways, makes my skin crawl and eyeballs itch. I hope Ron hooks up with Neville, shocking everyone.

Ron hooks up with Neville....only in my head. I can't remember whether or not the two actually do a full on lip lock, but since they wind up with kids together, I assume at some point they indulged. Because I can't remember, I will give you 1/2 an embarrassing moment for this one.


5. For the seventh time, no one will be gay, Jewish or have sex. Seventeen year olds never ever have sex. EVER. Nor do they celebrate Passover or look at same sex naughty bits. EVER.


I must be psychic or something.

6. There will be someone with a ridiculous accent.

I was actually worried about this one, but Viktor resurfaces just long enough to spare me. Thank you, random character that no one cares about who returns to reveal a Significant Plot Point. Oh and of course, there's Fleur. Speaking English with a French accent means you never get to pronounce the first letter of a word. EVER.

7. Ok, this is the wild and crazy one. I believe that Dumbledore took Polyjuice potion and looking like Snape was the one who actually made the promise to Narcissa. Off the wall, but I figured I'd throw one out there.

Totally wrong on this one, which I realized pretty much after I posted it. 1 1/2 embarrassing stories so far.

8. Oh, R.A.B. how you make the internet shiver and quake. The obvious answer is that its Regulus Black. My prediction? It's Regulus. I'd like to think that she'd pull one out of left field, but this is an author who calls her werewolf character Wolfy McWolf Wolf and her black dog character Black Dog.

Right again and I think she anticipated that everyone had figured it out, so she rushed by it so quickly that it barely happened. From BIG MYSTERY to that three line explanation only a few chapters into the book.

9. Someone will be annoying. Too easy.

So many cases...I was surprised that I wasn't annoyed more. As usual, I'm mostly annoyed at J.K. She killed Lupin off-screen. Dobby gets a funeral, Hedwig is mourned over for chapters, but the werewolf? Bumped out of existence. Maybe it was her apology to Snape.


10. Dumbledore will rise from the dead. She loves her animal symbols. LOVES. And there is so much freakin' phoenix imagery surrounding Dumbledore that if he doesn't rise from the dead, J.K. fails Anton Chekhov's cardinal rule: "If a gun is on the mantle in the first act, it must go off in the third."

I'm going to say another 1/2 on this one because while he doesn't rise from the dead he does make a long appearance involving a resurrection stone. Also, what happened to Fawkes? Did they just set him on fire around when they were killing off minor charchters for the hell of it?


11. The last line will be pedantic, trite and/or completely weird. Ending something that long on a perfect note is nearly impossible.

His scar hadn't hurt in nineteen years. ....that's not a last line. Thanks, come back and try again later. It's an epilogue. You already told us it's nineteen years later. And that apparently it was more important that we know that Harry had kids. Although, I will admit that the fact he named his kid Albus Severus made me happy. Nice touch. I forgive the dumbass line.

My score: 9/11
J.K.'s Score: $8.3 million and counting.

Paying Up

1. I used to cheat at board games. I only stopped in high school when people became smart enough to catch me. Before this happened my record was stealing nearly four thousand dollars from the monopoly bank without anyone being the wiser. the funny thing is that I actually got much better at playing after I stopped cheating.

2. I had to wear a girdle for the one and only lead role I had in a play. The director wanted me to wear a slinky gold lame dress. I looked like a sausage and he told me I would have 'buy some support garments'. Good times. I also wore a red wig. These pictures have been destroyed to protect the embarrassed.

Whew! Good thing the book was mostly predictable!

Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

Fruit Fly

n An attractive female who hangs around gay males. The same as a fag hag but attractive. - Urban Dictionary

I am a Fruit Fly (well, maybe I'm a fag hag, but I really have an objection to the word fag and I like to think I'm not so hideous as to be known as a hag). Not only am I a Fruit Fly, I am unavoidably, since birth, a Fruit Fly. Today, I would like to recount the time line of this special trait to thank the young man that told me my hair was fabulous in that special way.

1986- I am now old enough that my hair is starting to significantly curl. The compliments only come from old ladies and gay men. This is a trend that will continue to present day.

1994- I read Moreta: Dragonlady of Pern which has been incorrectly shelved in the Young Adult section. My love affair with fantasy leaps to adult novels and I read my first gay love scene. I never turn back.

1997- I meet and date my first boyfriend. We will be together for two years (summers only) and he will give me the most fabulous piece of jewelry one thirteen year old ever gave to another. I break up with him over disturbing reports that he asks to be beaten up by the other boys when he's only wearing a towel.

1999- The Big Gay Summer. One of my peers, Twinkletoes encounters another boy Obi ( so named for his obsession with Ewan McGregor. Seriously, he wore a padawan braid the whole summer.) They fall deeply into lust. And I am asked by Twinkletoes for advice. To clarify, I had had no contact at all with Twinkletoes previously. He singled me out of dozens of other potential confidantes. He never gave a reason for this choice.

I become friends with Genie (name based on really incriminating photos). Genie will remain my most fabulously awesome friend to present day. He comes out to everyone in camp that summer and we are soon noted as being thick as thieves. Twinkletoes does not ask him for advice unless it is through me. Somehow it is assumed that I know more about being gay then the other gay kid. I can't make this crap up.

2000- My mother and father finally accept that Genie is gay and we will never date. Why must I spend so much time with gay men? My mother continuously asks. They come to me, say I. I prove this:

Setting: Shoe Store
My Mood: Terrible, see Setting. I hate shopping, especially in expensive shoe stores. Depressive angry funk of a teenager.

Myself: ::hating life::
Mom: ::obliviously shops for shoes::
Salesman: Hi, can I help you?
Myself: No, thanks.
Salesman: Oh, just here with your mom?
Myself: Yes.
Salesman: I go shopping all the time with my mom too. She takes forever! Now, I just blow her off, that's what being an adult is about, right?
Mom: ::continues to shop, finally returns to where I'm sitting::
Myself: Have you tried compost?
Salesman: We have! But the property isn't what it could be. My partner thinks we should just move.
::Mom checks out, we leave the store::
Mom: Oh my god! They just FIND you.
Myself: I know!

Today: Young man walks into the library sees me at the reference desk and squees about my hair. His hair is dyed pink.


There's more, but this post is already far too long. Do any of you have fun fruit fly or fruit stories? Share in the comments!

Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

Empty Nest Guilt

Over the next few months, I will be checking out apartments and hopefully launching myself into living away from the parents. This was the plan pretty much from the day I moved back in under a year ago. I had finished grad school and wanted to save up some cushion money.

The year went a lot better then I thought it would actually. I have a very good relationship with my parents, always have even in the bitter horrible early teen years (I stopped showering for a while, how they made it through that little phase I'll never know). I have some issues with them, of course, because who doesn't? But I don't think they messed up in any irreversible way either which considering their backgrounds is beyond impressive. For the most part they've been loving, supportive and growing more awesome as I become a real adult type person.

So why do I want to move out?

The real, not at all funny, reason is that I can tell that if I stay I will stop thinking for myself. My parents are very reasonable and very persistent people. I'm an only child. The combination is that they can often talk me around to their way of seeing things without either of us realizing this is what is happening. I stop functioning in a lot of ways and it isn't fun.

But I feel guilty leaving. Mom's starting a new job that will make her commute much more complicated and much longer. If I was still living at home, I could drive her to the train station in the morning to ease this a little. Not that I would stay home for this, but I actually felt so guilty that I bought my mother an IPod Nano. That's right, it wasn't even her birthday, anniversary or mother's day or hannakah. Just bought it for her. The worst bit is going to be teaching her to use it. Oy Gevault.

So there it is, I have empty nest guilt. Maybe it had a name before, but I'm giving it a new one.


Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

why all woman's studies classes should include John Varley

One of the best things about science-fiction is the gender bending. I would argue that Virginia Wolff's Orlando is science fiction and I would start with that. If you haven't read it, add it to your list of classics to read before you die. Not because it will inherently improve your life, but because it will make your mind drip out of your ears! In a good way!

Lots of great authors in science-fiction have tackled the lines between men and women face on. And the great thing about it, is a lot of them were men! And they were compassionate and insightful! Not Heinlein, who I hate more then...well a lot of other writers, but again that's for another post.

Take for instance, Asimov's most beloved characters Dr.Susan Calvin. She was not pretty or huge bosomed and she chose work over being a wife and mother. Described as generally crabby and nasty, she was one of the first depicted female scientists that wasn't the sidekick to the male scientist. LOVE THE SUSAN.

And then...oh and then in modern science fiction there is the best beloved, most awesome, most perfect gender crazed writer who I cannot praise enough from here to the end of time: John Varley. He has a universe in which many of his short stories and novels are placed referred to as the Eight Worlds. Within the Eight Worlds, gender swapping surgery is nearly as easy as buying clothes. Not only does he explore the psychological and sociological implications of such a thing, he does over a long period of time! He starts a few short stories about the beginning days of this surgery as the first non-transsexuals start to switch back and forth. By the Golden Globe (the latest in the Eight Worlds universe) appears, switching is so common as to be unremarkable and it has recreated a lot basic attitudes in people as a whole.

Brilliant stuff. I would much rather have read some of that instead of "The Cyborg Manifesto" which I had to read in every single class I was in that discusses Women and/or Gender Studies in any way. If you, dear reader, can make it all the way through that essay and then tell me what it means, I will make you the bake good of your choice.

Catch you on the flipside,
CGL

My Bestest Online Friend

This is another birthday post, albeit a shorter one because I haven't ferreted out all her embarrassing secrets even though I've known her for nearly three years. 007, as you all will come to know and love her, and I have never actually met. We became friends while playing the same online role playing game (rpg for those in the know). I have nearly five hundred game logs since that point where no one was involved, but the two of us. We have great synergy and milk off the wall characters for everything they are worth. 007 was going through hard times when we met, but she has blossomed through that and is now working on her doctorate and engaged to a very handsome man. If you ever have a chance to meet her, ask her about all her volunteer work because she'll probably not come out and tell you. She's done enough for fifteen people and considers it a vacation. Crazyness, I tell you.

Happy Birthday, 007!


Catch you on the flipside,
Chic Geek Librarian

My Little Song and Harry Potter Speculation

Today, I want to make a few speculations about the coming out of Harry Potter.... I mean the new book coming out of course. ::cough::gay::cough::. I am not a rabid Potter fan, never read the first four books and haven't enjoyed the two I did read. J.K Rowling is an odd writer for me, in that I love her characters and world, but hate her style and plots. I think she creates some really great foundation material and for that reason, I do read the books. And I do read them the day they come out because otherwise, inevitably someone will tell me what happens and I will lose all interest in reading them at all. Usually being spoiled will not prevent from reading a book, but it is hard to maintain interests for seven hundred pages of teenage boy whining.


The reason that I am speculating here is in deepest hope to be able to sing the following song (to the 1812 Overture):
IIIIIII told you so, I told you so, I hate to say I told you so, buuuuuuuuuut I told you so.


It's obnoxious and wonderful. And here is my promise to, for every point I get wrong I will reveal one embarrassing fact about myself.


On to the predictions:


1. Harry will not die. I would love if he did and if J.K. does kill him I will applaud her forever. It would certainly save her a lot of annoying fans begging for another books. I doubt that the publishing industry will allow it though as they would prefer for Harry to live on so they can market endless books about him ala Star Wars.


2. Snape will be vindicated. I base this on the fact that he has been vindicated every other time. In every single book Harry thinks he's the bad guy until lo it is proven that the evil professor was once again saving his bacon.


3. Snape will die. His sin of killing Dumbledore will not be allowed to pass even if he did it to
save everything ever.


4. Ron and Hermione will kiss, possibly many times, against all the laws of attraction ever. I love Ron. Hermione, despite frequent reminders that I am like her in so many ways, makes my skin crawl and eyeballs itch. I hope Ron hooks up with Neville, shocking everyone.


5. For the seventh time, no one will be gay, Jewish or have sex. Seventeen year olds never ever have sex. EVER. Nor do they celebrate Passover or look at same sex naughty bits. EVER.


6. There will be someone with a ridiculous accent.


7. Ok, this is the wild and crazy one. I believe that Dumbledore took Polyjuice potion and looking like Snape was the one who actually made the promise to Narcissa. Off the wall, but I figured I'd throw one out there.


8. Oh, R.A.B. how you make the internet shiver and quake. The obvious answer is that its Regulus Black. My prediction? It's Regulus. I'd like to think that she'd pull one out of left field, but this is an author who calls her werewolf character Wolfy McWolf Wolf and her black dog character Black Dog.


9. Someone will be annoying. Too easy.


10. Dumbledore will rise from the dead. She loves her animal symbols. LOVES. And there is so much freakin' phoenix imagery surrounding Dumbledore that if he doesn't rise from the dead, J.K. fails Anton Chekhov's cardinal rule: "If a gun is on the mantle in the first act, it must go off in the third."


11. The last line will be pedantic, trite and/or completely weird. Ending something that long on a perfect note is nearly impossible.


All right, that's it for my guesses. That's eleven potential embarrassing things you might find out about me. Come on J.K. don't fail me now!


Catch you on the flipside,
Chic Geek Librarian

Feel this!

On a completely non-scifi note, I want to talk about touching things and the complete ridiculous level of my love of doing so. I don't mean that love of touching things you aren't supposed to, I've never been a big-red-candylike-button-must-touch-before-death! sort of person though I have always been an adding a ridiculous-amount-of-dashes kind of person.

I love to feeeeeeeeel things. Soft things, grainy things, bumpy things, smooth things...you name it and I like to touch it. Ever since I was a kid running my fingers over the wall in the hall while walking to class until my fingers budged and later mucking through the mud until my mother was nearly weak with tears over my splashed overalls, I have loved to feeeeeel things.

My father who is very very experianced with kids and even a doctor ( not a medical kind) of kidology, decided in an unrelated way that I had Hypotonia. Usually hypotonia is related to children with severe developmental problems related to Down's Syndrome, Muscular dystrophy and other frightening maladies. I did develop on the slow side both emotionally and physically and I did have terrible motor coordination, but I was not ever officially diagnosed with anything other then Perpetual Snobbery and General Idiocy.

One of the traits of low tone children is having a love for feeling things and also needing lots and lots of hugs. I'm talking chronic, addict like need for hugs. If you think hug addiction is funny, just try to get a hug out of the average teacher who has had the "don't hug children or you are a pervert" speech every year since they started working. Or having friends who had to hug or touch at all.

That's why I love Geo and Law who allow me to hug all over them and pet their hair even though Law would rather have her eyelashes slowly plucked out then let anyone touch her hair. I'm Lennie from Of Mice and Men to her, but she puts up with it anyway.

And then there's the Nox with his gloriously long flowing hair that he even occasionally lets be braid with the toleration only exhibited by a man who gets laid regularly.

Anyway, I tell you all of this to tell you why my lunch hour yesterday was torturous. You see, to satisfy my ever yearning needs for feeling things I taught myself to knit and despite my bad motor coordination (thanks again hypotonia!), can manage some fairly decent afghans and such. Then yesterday on the hottest day with the most humidity ever (so bad that my hair was like onto the cotton ball), I got a great idea for the most beautiful blanket ever and went to Michael's on my lunch break. I gleefully touched yarn for fifteen glorious minutes before finding the perfect, cheapest yarn ever!

Oh the delirium! The dreams of clacking needles and glorious fluffy blue blanket! All. The. Damn. Touching! So happy...

Only to remember that it was approximately 2,567 degrees Fahrenheit outside, not blanket making time. I regretfully put the yarn back, half my lunch break already vanished.

And then I told Nox where I'd gone and he of the flowing red locks nodded knowingly and said "Ah, so you went and Touched things." I could practically hear the capital T people.

My ill-kept secret is out....so can I pet you, dear reader?


Catch you on the flipside,
Chic Geek Librarian

Maureen Cummings: I'm just trying to be honest. That's what friends do.

-Center Stage, Law Penny's sad movie obsession

This is a very special Happy Birthday! post for Law Penny. In order to celebrate her birthday, she gets today's entire post. And don't laugh too hard Geo, you're next.

I met Law on the first day of moving into our attic. We spent an entire year together in the attic of an eighty year old house. It creaked, it squeaked and ominous unexplained things happened constantly. It was a bonding experiance.

Things everyone should know about Law that explain just how awesome and loveable she is:

1. This girl is intensely smart. You know, one of those people that you start talking to and realize you are conversationally way over your head because she could mentally beat the shit out of you without breaking a brain sweat. Which makes 2 and 3 even funnier

2. In one of her first librarian classes, she was asked to do research on a hobby. And she couldn't think of anything! Seriously, girl had no hobbies or interests according to her. I pointed out that she had approximately four gazillion old maps in her ten by ten room and she took it from there, but seriously, for ten minutes she was dumbfounded.

3. She is forever and permanently lost. Bad sense of direction doesn't quite cover it. We lived in the same neighborhood for a year and she very frequently had no idea how to get to the supermarket that was five minutes from our house.

4. She has blue eyes of DOOM and wears blue and has blue sheets just so they look even bluer. It's crazy.

5. Despite hating chocolate, which is something I will never ever understand, she love cupcakes. They are her kryptonite. If you put one even close to her, it will be consumed within a matter of minutes. Cheesesticks also make up 99% of her diet, which leads to six...

6. Early in our friendship we were having one of those very 'deep' conversations where you decide what kind of animal that person would be. I chose kangamouse for her and it stuck like glue.

7. She picked out my birthday card six months before my actual birthday, held onto it and managed to get it to me exactly on the day of which given the postal system in my neighborhood is insane. How do you get a better friend that that?


So happy birthday Law Penny! You rock my tiny world.

Catch you on the flipside,
Chic Geek Librarian

"Patriotism is easy to understand in America; it means looking out for yourself by looking out for your country"

-Calvin Coolidge, which is oddly appropriate considering he was a president revered among political scientists as a man who knew how to do nothing really effectively.

Today, I want to talk to you about America, The United States of. This would have been a more appropriate post yesterday, but I was to busy being patriotic by eating a lot of meat and watching my boyfriend injure himself while playing a sport known as 'fenceball' while inebriated. I think this is a very appropriate way to celebrate the 4th. After all, that great American family the Kennedys are big believers in drunken sports.

All that aside, I want to talk about the U.S.A. This is the time of year where a lot of people talk about forefathers and signings that they vaguely remember from history class and how great it is to be an American. I don't disagree. I love my country and, cheesy song lyrics aside, I am proud to be an American.

I am not always proud of our decisions and I am not always proud of our politicians. Let us be clear: America is not it's president! Though things have quieted down substantially over the last few years, there is still a lot of confusion about the general populace on this matter. A little after 9/11, I was repeatedly accused of being unpatriotic because I did not support the actions that immediately followed.

George W. Bush is not America. If this were the case, we would be living in a monarchy and an unpleasantly strict one at that. Disagreeing with him will not make you 'unamerican' (I'm looking at you Hilary Clinton, looking with laser beams shooting from my eyes! Don't try to cover it up now, we all remember.)

I love my country because it took in my grandfather's family when no one else would and sheltered my grandmother after she escaped from Auschwitz. I love my country because it chose democracy even it is often confused about what that means and how it works. I love my country because no matter how much anyone wants it to be so, Bush will eventually step down and the next person installed to potentially fail or succeed in his place.

I love my country because two hundred and some odd years ago, a whole bunch of British guys stuck in a strange land became guerrilla war fighting, John Locke plagiarizing, turkey loving rebels and decided to change the way things were with swords, guns and pens.

Independence rocks and I'm glad we've got it. Rock on America, rock on.


Catch you on the flipside,
Chic Geek Librarian